Friends Don't Let Friends Fake Date Each Other
by naggeluide
Summary: Toph demands that Zuko fake date her. This goes just about as well as can be expected. Sokka steps in to show them how it's done, and this goes a bit better than expected.
1. Chapter 1

Zuko's first warning signal should have been that his aide-de-camp stepped out unexpectedly.

His second warning signal was more of a klaxon.

Toph threw the doors to his office open, slamming new dents into the already-dented woodwork, and marched up to his desk.

Zuko spontaneously acquired a headache.

This made it even worse when Toph proceeded to holler at him at top volume. "Better get out that wallet, Sparky, because it's time to pay up!"

Zuko groaned. "Even I know better than to make monetary promises to you, Toph."

"Figure of speech," she proclaimed. "And you happen to owe me several favors, so I'm here to collect."

"None of those favors include homicide or any other illegal activity," Zuko clarified quickly. He had it in writing somewhere, but he didn't know where exactly and he couldn't just ask Misaki to draw them up because she'd apparently abandoned him to his fate.

"Believe it or not, this is not about murder," Toph assured him. "I need you to fake date me."

Zuko would have preferred murder. "What? Why me? You don't even like men!"

"No duh, hence the _fake_ part. I'm a baller, if I want to date a girl I'll ask her for real."

"Why me," Zuko whined, disappointed to find himself once again the butt of the universe's cruel jokes.

"My parents are assholes and they're making me have a coming out ball."

"I'm confused," said Zuko, confused. "If they're celebrating the fact that you're a lesbian, why on earth would you need a man to fake date you? Are you going to dramatically dump me in front of hundreds of people or something?"

"Not _that_ kind of coming out," Toph replied, exasperated, before adding in the most genuine tone he'd heard yet: "I wish."

She continued to explain. "It's an Earth Kingdom society thing. A young person 'comes out' to society on their sixteenth birthday, and then the hordes of potential suitors descend while the parents get drunk and make ribald jokes. So that's why you've got to fake date me, if everyone thinks I'm with the Fire Lord I'll at least be safe from that whole circus."

"Fine," Zuko grumbled, since he couldn't get out of this anyway. "But this is worth two favors."

Toph just laughed off his attempt to bargain with an Earth Kingdom merchant, and slammed the door on her way out.

There was no way that this would not be a catastrophe.

* * *

"Hey, fake boyfriend! Ready for our first fake date?"

"Toph, if you say stuff like that no one's going to believe that we're _actually dating_."

"Right. Hey, uh, bro? Best bro? What do straight couples even call each other?"

"The hell should I know, I'm gay."

* * *

"Toph, sweetie?"

"OOGIE."

"Yeah, I'm going to go to wash my mouth out with soap now."

* * *

"Zuko, honey?"

"What?"

"I just threw up a little in my mouth."

* * *

"I want a baby."

"Toph, I'm pretty sure that even straight couples don't just say stuff like that."

"Sure they do. I hear it all the time. Take two. I want a baby."

"We've got a no-crime restriction. You can't just go steal one!"

"That's not what I meant."

"How else are you going to - eewww, Toph! Gross!"

"Spirits, we're so gay."

* * *

"Don't worry about it, I'll pay."

"Nonsense, this is a business related expense and I'm totally charging it to Earthen Fire Industries."

"Fire Lording comes with a decent per diem, it's no problem really."

"Hey, Zuko."

"What?"

"I think we're finally doing something right!"

* * *

"Just _what_ are you two doing?"

Toph grinned at the ringing voice of her favorite disaster bisexual, and tightened her grip on Zuko's hands. "Sokka, hey! What does it look like we're doing?"

"I don't know but it's weirding me out!"

"Me too," grumbled Zuko, finally giving up and slumping back and out of Toph's breathing space.

"Hey, get back here!" Toph snapped. "It's not over till it's over."

"Sokka help," whined the traitor, doubtless turning what sighted people referred to as a strikingly pretty face up at the helpless Water Tribesman.

"I will _end_ you," Toph threatened both of them.

"Please put me out of my misery," Zuko was quick to request, at the same time that Sokka let out a frustrated shout of: "What is going _on?_"

Toph ignored Sokka's dramatics. "Kiss me, you asshole," she demanded, and Zuko acquiesced with all the enthusiasm of a Fire Nation citizen asked to eat a bowl of raw sea prunes.

"Ugh," he shuddered before hastily pecking her on the lips, then drew back to wipe at them furiously.

Toph could share the sentiment. She made a face. "We're probably going to have to work on that," she said glumly.

"Are you guys _fake dating?_" asked Sokka, incredulous.

"Yup!" chirped Zuko, all chipper now that he was talking to a cute boy.

Toph didn't have the same type of balm present for her own recent trauma, so she kicked him under the table out of pettiness and a love of violence. "He said 'fake', which means we didn't fake it good enough. Which is a bad thing, idiot."

"But only because you know both of us, right?" asked Zuko, hopefully.

Sokka burst out laughing, and called to one of the café's waitstaff. "Hey, would you say that these two are dating?"

"I thought they were siblings," came the reply. "But then things got weird."

"I see your point," Toph allowed.

"_Thank you_," Sokka started, then stopped himself with a slap to the forehead. "Fuck you, Toph," he groaned.

"Why don't you fake date _him?_" Zuko proposed, entirely too cheerful in his attempt to ferret-weasel his way out of the situation.

"_I'm_ not the problem here," sniffed Toph. "It's not my fault you don't know how to properly fake date a person."

"Fake dating is great!" Sokka tried to encourage the Fire Lord. "It's just like real dating, only without all that emotional baggage and worrying about having to look good naked! You get to go nice places, eat a lot of nice meat, annoy lots of overbearing parents, and freak out annoying sisters! What's not to love?"

"When did you get so good at fake dating," asked Zuko, sour.

"Oh, I've fake dated loads of people," Sokka replied airily. "I'm the only eligible bachelor in the Southern Water Tribe, so I gotta keep those suitors off my back until I've had my fun and am ready to settle down, ya know? I'm practically a fake-dating _expert_."

Zuko groaned like the dramatic gay he was, and was probably about to shout something equally dramatic along the lines of _why am I so bad at being good_ when Sokka cut him off.

"Hey, I've got an idea! I'll teach you how to fake date!"

Zuko just let gravity carry his head to the tabletop. "What could _possibly_ go wrong with that," he hissed into the woodwork.

Toph grinned the grin of those who could feel an Avatar and a fully-loaded cabbage cart speeding towards each other around a blind corner, and held up her hand for Sokka to high-five.

* * *

**A/N:** Because I don't have the impulse control to wait for Zukka week. Updates to come every three days!

Also whoever made that ATLA baby meme on Tumblr, you are a genius but I hate you because it won't stop showing up all the damn time 3


	2. Chapter 2

"The first rule to fake dating," Sokka proclaimed as he looked Zuko up and down in the early morning light, "is … to color-coordinate your outfits!"

"Bullshit," Zuko called, cranky in the face of so much enthusiasm.

"I'm serious," Sokka whined, offended. "Only the most straightest, lovey-dovey-est, annoying-by-their-very-existence couples coordinate their clothes. So that's what you and Toph have got to do!"

"She's blind. She doesn't care about colors."

"As they say. _It's the thought that counts._ And you know what this means, right?"

"No, I don-"

"SHOPPING!"

* * *

"Sokka, why did you get me a shirt that matches your eyes?"

"Uhhhh…. Oops."

* * *

"The second rule of fake dating," Sokka announced, tearing off a chunk of bread to feed to the turtleducks, considering, and stuffing it in his own mouth instead, "is to tell the story of how you met by finishing each other's sentences. Let's give it a go. You start, and I'll try to finish your sentences."

"Um, okay. So am I telling about how you and I met, or about how Toph and I met?"

"I wasn't there when you met Toph, now was I?"

"Actually you were -"

"And I was probably too preoccupied with trying not to get fireballed to notice that no one had properly introduced you two. My bad."

Zuko's face had taken on that vaguely guilty sheen that his wandering-in-the-Earth-Kingdom phase tended to evoke. Eventually, he sighed and acquiesced. "Right. So when I was thirteen -"

"- Dickhead father-of-the-year burned half his face off and sent him to find the Avatar, who no one had seen for a hundred years."

A pause.

"This isn't fun anymore."

Sokka scoffed. "It's not supposed to be fun, it's supposed to be gag-inducingly sappy. We were doing good, maybe just don't start so far back next time."

"Okay." Zuko sighed, and re-started. "It all started when I saw a giant beam of light in the sky -"

"- that was caused by my sister and I having a fight and accidentally busting the Avatar out of an iceberg!"

Zuko nodded, encouraged. "I followed the light to his village in the Southern Water Tribe -"

"- then parked his ship illegally _in_ my village wall and tried to shake down my Gran-gran for information on some super old dude!"

"This doesn't paint me in a very good light, are you sure this is how Toph's relatives want to hear a 'how we met' story?"

"You're doing great, honey, keep going. Maybe up the romance factor a little. Talk about my eyes or something like that."

Zuko was visibly struggling with the amounts of creativity required for such an endeavor. "His …handsomely-decorated boomerang… hit me very hard -"

"- With love! And when I looked into the totally-not-a-skull design of his Fire Nation helmet and saw the blazing intensity of the golden eyes underneath, I was absolutely smitten!"

"By my leg," Zuko injected helpfully. "Which smote him twice, right off the gangplank of my ship."

Sokka frowned. "Maybe leave that part out."

* * *

"The third rule of fake dating," Sokka explained, over brunch, "is tell them what they want to hear. Old people always want to know about your future together, but you have to pick and choose what to tell them depending on who they are."

Zuko reached towards a scone, but was beaten there by Sokka. He frowned. "So... politics," he summed up.

"Sure, why not," Sokka shrugged, slathering his acquisition in jam and cream.

"Oh, I'm going to crush this," Zuko announced, a smirk taking up residence on his face. "Been Fire Lord for four years now."

"Listen, dude," Sokka said, mouth full. "First of all, I'm loving the confidence. Confidence is _key_ to faking things. But it can get under your skin when you're talking about your relationship hopes and dreams even if they are fake, because it's hard to keep your _real_ hopes and dreams from getting mixed up in there and then associated with a particular person."

"How do you mean?"

"Like, if I was fake dating you and Gran-gran asks _where do you see yourselves in five years_ and I have to reply something sappy like _finger-combing out each other's adorable bed-head while talking world politics over morning tea_, I'll naturally have to picture that while I'm saying it. You're picturing it right now, aren't you?"

Zuko's reddened face was answer enough.

"Exactly," Sokka nodded sagely. "Too much of that and it'll start affecting your real-life friend dynamic, and trust me, only awkward, highly regrettable one-night stands come from that. That's why you've got to do your best to keep the answers short, as direct as possible, and immediately leading back to the person who's talking to you. Unlike in politics, where the goal is to talk long circles around people without actually telling them anything or giving them a chance to get a word in edgewise."

"I suppose that makes sense," Zuko mumbled, stabbing viciously at a starfruit.

"Great!" exclaimed Sokka, brushing crumbs from his hands and leaning forward. "So, let's practice. We'll start with an easy one. Earth King Kuei."

"I don't think he'd particularly care who I date," Zuko protested.

"That's why this one's easy. And, you know, there'd probably be some political significance to the Fire Lord getting together with the world's greatest earthbender that he'd be interested in. So, the Earth King asks how serious you are about Toph."

"Serious enough to strengthen already amicable bonds between our nations, not serious enough to significantly impact existing tariffs on rare alloys," Zuko said immediately with the shadows of a cocky smirk.

Sokka dropped a beignet to his plate in despair, and slapped a powdered-sugar-covered palm to his forehead. "No, no, no no no," he wailed. "That's not it _at all_. You've got to sell the perfect balance between infatuated-enough-to-believe-it-will-last-forever and indifferent-enough-that-wedding-invitations-are-at-least-five-years-in-the-future."

The scowl was back, even as Zuko gently brushed flecks of white sugar off of Sokka's face. "What does that even sound like?"

Sokka rolled his eyes. "Ugh. Okay, let's say your uncle asks me where I see our relationship going in that I'm-your-quirky-grandpa-but-I-can-still-kill-you-with-one-thumb way of his. The correct answer is this: 'Your nephew is a brilliant leader with a sense of honor that can only be matched by his dedication to his friends. I admire him profoundly for these and other both outstanding and appealing qualities, but I'm sure that I could never measure up to those same standards in his eyes'. See how I balanced infatuation and indifference?"

"I guess so," Zuko replied, sounding slightly choked, but that was probably due to the large bite of steamed egg he'd shoved into his mouth.

"Right," Sokka sighed, hoping he'd gotten his point across. "Your turn again. Let's try the classic homophobic uncle this time."

Zuko was evidently not done being difficult. "Uncle's not homophobic."

"Yeah but I got one, and trust me he is Very Disapproving of every single one of the people I fake date, so this question is always a trap with him," Sokka shot back.

"Who _are_ all these people you fake date, and why have I never met them?" Zuko demanded, and went on before Sokka could break in. "Besides, what is a guy like you doing fake dating when he can real date no problem? Also, don't lie to me, I know you don't have any more uncles. Unless you count Bato and he's not an ass."

Sokka stared across the table, meeting the burning challenge in Zuko's eyes. He devoured three strawberries out of spite before sighing and answering. "Fine, you caught me. I guess I was trying to sound like my love life isn't in a total shambles ever since Suki," he admitted.

Zuko's gaze softened, and he turned to pick at the cheese platter. "I get what that's like," he confessed. "I've had this one crush forever, and it's never going to happen, but still no one else seems… worth it."

"I know right?" Sokka perked up considerably to hear about their shared misery. "It's The Worst. Hey, nice to know we're in this together, buddy. But at least there might be some hope for you if you learn to fake date properly."

Back on track, Sokka took a swig of sparkling water to cleanse his palette. "Let's take it down a notch. What would you say to Katara if she asked you about your intentions towards me?"

Zuko froze, and oh right, recalling their rocky start Sokka maybe should have realized that mentioning Katara was, in fact, taking it _up_ a notch.

"Look!" Zuko suddenly pointed over Sokka's shoulder, and Sokka's head swiveled by reflex. By the time he realized he'd been had, Zuko had fled. A white napkin fluttered softly to stillness in the wake of the sudden movement.

Sokka sighed. "That's fair," he allowed, and finished Zuko's cheese.

* * *

"The fourth rule of fake dating," lectured Sokka as they strolled side-by-side on the beach at sunset, "comes in handy when the third rule fails. You've got to make sure any PDA looks natural, and completely abuse it in order to get out of any and all awkward situations. Can't remember your fake date's favorite color? Kiss them! Forgot what food allergies they have? Kiss them but make sure you didn't eat any peanuts first! Did your fake date mention if they had an identical twin or not? Who cares, make out!"

Zuko frowned. "I understand the concept," he acknowledged. "But in practice … well, what if you're not even remotely attracted to the person you're fake dating and kissing them feels like kissing your sister?"

Sokka considered. Toph was indeed not like most people. Thankfully, Sokka was a Water Tribe genius. "Toph punches people to show affection, maybe one could argue that violence is her love language and therefore a punch is equivalent to a kiss?"

"Okay, so like this?" Zuko asked, and tapped Sokka lightly in the bicep with his fist.

"Are you kidding?" Sokka stared wide-eyed at the offending fist. "Hit like a girl! Toph's punches are way harder than that." He demonstrated.

Zuko blocked it on reflex.

"Hey," complained Sokka, and threw another punch, which was blocked again.

"Sorry," Zuko said, sounding genuinely apologetic for his own instincts, especially when he followed up the block with a kick.

Sokka felt a pointy-toed boot connect with his lower ribs and rolled with it. "At least that one had some power behind it," he allowed, then let the momentum carry him around into a vicious spin kick.

Zuko leapt out of the way, and thus commenced a quarter hour of repeatedly thwarted, full-force PDA attempts from both participants.

"The thing is," Sokka groaned, panting on the floor some time later, "I'm not sure where Toph's opinion on grappling-as-a-demonstration-of-affection falls." He twisted in an attempt to buck the firebender off of his hips, crowed when he managed to destabilize one of Zuko's supporting legs finally flipped their positions.

"Don't think she would count it," Zuko said, embarrassingly more in control of his breath than Sokka as he stubbornly refused to cede his armlock on the younger man even from his newly-disadvantaged position. "Without her feet on the floor she might not be able to feel the other person's annoyance. Which is kind of the point of physical displays of affection, isn't it? The feedback from the other person?"

"Right," Sokka wheezed, finally regaining control of his arm and then desperately starfishing on top of Zuko to keep the firebender from wriggling out from underneath him. It was a losing battle, but with imminent defeat looming seconds away, Sokka pulled out the final trick in his arsenal and planted his lips on Zuko's.

The wriggling stopped.

_Everything_ stopped, for a few blissful seconds.

Then Zuko started kissing him back.

Time continued to move simultaneously extremely slowly and way too fast, frozen in a touch of lips, then gone in a flurry of hands.

Eventually they broke apart and sat up, sheepishly tugging straight the clothing that was, in their defense, rumpled mostly due to the wrestling. Sokka vaguely registered that he was both still halfway in Zuko's lap and halfway -

Well, this was awkward.

Sokka decided to practice what he preached and kissed Zuko again. The firebender's mouth yielded immediately, soft and hot concurrently, demanding and giving by turn. It was enough to melt Sokka to the core, and he curled instinctively into gentle touches that he'd been craving from Zuko alone for what felt like forever.

"I love you," Sokka mumbled into the quick pants of Zuko's breath, attempting to kiss his way down the length of pale neck, but was thwarted when the other man pulled back to look at him with wide eyes of liquid gold.

A myriad of expressions flitted across Zuko's face, before it smoothed out as Zuko decided on his course of action. "I love you, too," he breathed, then dove back in to kiss Sokka's surprise right off of his face.

Sokka felt his own eyes grow round, and was torn between memorizing the sight of Zuko's blissful face kissing his own and realizing _oh shit, that just happened_. It had happened, because Sokka had been teaching his best friend to fake a relationship, and Zuko had done… well, exactly what someone faking a relationship was supposed to do, by Sokka's own precepts. Not because Zuko actually loved him, Zuko was an open book and surely Sokka would know if… if…

He couldn't bring himself to think it. The kissing soured by this realization, Sokka broke away and gave a nervous laugh, trying to salvage the situation. "You really learned these rules well man, there's hope for the future yet."

Zuko's expression was confusion underwritten with a tinge of hurt. "But I'm fake dating Toph, not you."

"Ha ha right," Sokka responded automatically, then processed what Zuko had said. "Wait."

"I would never fake date you," Zuko continued, earnestly. "I only want to date you for real."

Sokka gaped at Zuko, outlined in the fiery sunset, feeling hope and happiness surging through him like the tide, and declared: "Your mouth should be illegal."

"So should yours, saying all those amazing things about me earlier," Zuko practically hissed, dark pupils dilated and eyelids heavy.

Sokka's breath caught, the sight was so beautiful, and even more the realization that Zuko wanted this too, and here they were, two utter idiots that could have had it all along. Sokka's laugh was bright and joyful, joined in with the harsh harmony of Zuko's own. He grabbed Zuko's hand and traced the pale knuckles with his own calloused fingers.

"Uh, so Sokka are we doing this for real or what?" Zuko inquired, amused yet entranced by the dance of Sokka's hand across his own.

"Who cares, make out!" Sokka proclaimed, already starting to lean back in. "But, for the record. Yes."


	3. Chapter 3

"Fire Lord Zuko," Toph intoned. "You son of an actual dumpster fire."

She continued over a barely-heard protest that went something like _that's not even an insult blah blah assorted swear words not even that creatively arranged blah blah_. "You have been found guilty of violating the most sacred of contracts, mlm and wlw solidarity!"

From where he was bound immobile by stone shackles to the sparring ring floor, Zuko twitched violently. "I know, I know, and I'm sorry."

Toph levitated a boulder meaningfully, and Zuko squirmed some more.

"Awww, thanks Toph, is that for me?" A new voice, projected from the roofs of the palace, momentarily halted Toph's vengeance.

"What are you doing here?" Zuko and Toph yelped in chorus, Zuko directing his gaze upwards to spot Sokka crouched on the roof.

Zuko's heart did a flip as Sokka did a flip down to land close to where Zuko was lying, but still a safe distance away from Toph. He felt his face redden as the Water Tribesman's gaze raked his prone and shirtless form, and the stone around his lower arms cracked from the heat of his embarrassment. Some said firebending was fueled by rage, but Zuko had always found his came most readily when he was in a situation in which his face was burning hot enough to self-immolate, such as the current one.

"Can't a man save his boyfriend from getting squashed into paste if he feels like it?" Sokka whined.

"I'd like to see you try," Toph sniffed, and sunk Sokka's feet into the ground. "Don't think you're off the hook either, you smooth-talking homewrecker you."

"Can you really blame me, Toph?" Sokka pleaded. "I mean, look at him!"

Toph didn't even blink, but her trademarked murder-grin started to materialize on her face.

"Toph, wait!" Zuko sat up hastily, hot crumbled stone falling away from his limbs. "I'll make it up to you. What if there was a way that you could go to your ball with whoever you wanted to, and not just someone you blackmailed into it?"

"It's not blackmail if _you owe me_," Toph yelled. "But I'm listening."

Zuko drew himself to his feet, took a deep breath, and blurted it out. "If you think it would help your situation at all... I'll come out."

Toph's boulder crashed to the ground, cracking into chunks that the boys quickly dodged. Zuko could count on the fingers of one hand how many times he'd seen Toph lose control of her earthbending.

"Really? Holy toe dirt. Are you sure?" Toph's blind eyes were wide, her posture almost hesitant.

"You of all people should never be made to feel like you have to hide part of who you are," Zuko told her. "If making an international example of myself helps in any way, I'll gladly do that and more for you."

"I'm keeping him," Sokka declared into Toph's stunned silence.

"Get in line," the earthbender snapped reflexively. "Hey Zuko."

"What." Zuko's tone was appropriately wary.

"Let's come out together, okay? But at my ball because I still want to rub it in my parents' dumb faces."

Zuko nodded, feeling slightly numb but was soon back to regular firebender body temperatures once Toph and Sokka piled on him with platypus-bear hugs.

Sacred solidarity restored, Toph was eager to resume the regularly scheduled violence. "Now get those flames cooking Sunshine, I'm not done kicking your ass!"

* * *

It was a masquerade ball, because of course it was. Not that Toph couldn't appreciate the irony. "Love is blind" was the corny theme that she hadn't thought her parents had the balls to go through with (except that it _was_ exactly one (1) ball so maybe that's what had enabled them), but apparently they were desperate.

Toph had wanted to dress up as a badgermole, but got shot down easily enough by being reminded that she had no control whatsoever over this event. So she was in some stuffy traditional outfit that her stylist had gushed complemented her dark hair and pale skin perfectly, not that Toph could tell, and she had a sinking feeling that her barely-there mask was covered in glitter.

Fortunately not too many of her friends were faring any better, except of course for Katara and Aang, who were sickeningly, incandescently too wrapped up in each other's company to step back and snark at the proceedings. At least the Gaang's newest couple would never lose an opportunity to do so.

"This sucks," Toph lamented to Zuko as they hovered by the buffet. He was carefully assembling a cheese, fruit and toothpick construction to serve as replacement eyeballs for her I'm-a-delicate-wilting-flower mask. "Make sure you, like, poke a grape half open so it looks like I've got eyeball fluid leaking everywhere."

She heard a gratifying tearing noise that indicated he was probably doing so, and then a familiar set of footsteps laden down with the extra weight of a full plate as Sokka came over.

"Hey, Sokka, tell me what everybody's wearing," Toph commanded. "And how'd you manage to talk Fire Lord Layer Cake over here into going sleeveless?"

"Hey!" Zuko protested. "I used to wear sleeveless shirts plenty. I'm not a prude."

"Yeah, but whoever dresses you is," Toph countered.

Sokka attempted a delicate cough and managed to sound like he was dying instead. "Agree to disagree, those robes make for quite the silhouette."

"You're one to talk, Mr. Tight Pants," grumbled Zuko, sounding as if Sokka's appearance was causing him physical discomfort. Which it might actually be, eeww, gross.

"Keep it PG guys," Toph warned, then continued her fashion policing. "You're not wearing that Blue Spirit mask, are you?

"Nah, it's bad policy to advertise yourself as a former criminal," Sokka answered for his boyfriend. "They put him in a standard half-face black cloth mask, and I made sure to sneak it to Aang so he could stick a bunch of rainbow sparkles onto it. I'm still rocking my wolf-head helmet cuz I can, and it even works with dark red? Which I was not expecting."

"Aang's got a Momo mask and Momo's got an Aang mask, and Katara's got Appa horns and a fuzzy arrow," Zuko gave a far more succinct summary of the other couple's costumes.

"Even though I was the pioneer in Appa-hair disguises," Sokka saw fit to mention. "At least my sister finally recognizes my genius. Oh, and since Suki's everyday outfit is Kyoshi cosplay she's here in civilian clothes. And almost no one recognizes her, honestly."

That piqued Toph's interest. "Oooh, tell me more about Suki."

They were interrupted by the clinking of many spoons against glasses; time for the moment of truth, Toph supposed. She grabbed Zuko's hand and dragged him to the middle of the room. "Showtime," she murmured. "And if you even _think_ about opening up with 'Zuko here' I'm going to cancel your whole speech, you really need a better line than that."

Toph had the feeling that Zuko was fixing her with a dirty look reserved only for world leaders being patronized by their little sisters. Nevertheless, he gave her hand a firm squeeze as he started talking. "Good evening honored guests. I have the privilege of counting Toph Beifong as one of my closest friends."

"And you all have the privilege of counting me as the world's greatest earthbender," Toph inserted cheekily. "I know half of you half too well than I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."

That statement was met with the silence it deserved, and was only broken when Zuko cleared his throat. "Right. This evening, there's something I'd like to do for her, and for myself, and for all the people like us in the Four Nations."

Although his voice was even, Toph could feel Zuko's nervous tremors through his hands. She stood at his side, an immoveable rock, a source of steadiness should he need it. She felt a smooth inhale followed by an exhale, breath stoking courage from the fire in his veins before he spoke.

"I want to tell you that I'm gay. I like men, and I always have. I understand that this comes into conflict with some of the… traditional expectations of me as Fire Lord. But I'm proud to be who I am and even prouder to be living in a new age, in which we no longer have to limit ourselves to one Nation based on our element, or one type of lover based on our gender. We are all committed to making this era one that is overflowing with love, peace, and understanding. I'm honored to be among people that I can count on to work towards that goal with me, in ways both big and small."

"Yeah!" Toph hollered into the silence that followed. "I'm usually not scared of anything, but this was the one thing I was scared of! And I can tell you that right now Zuko's shaking in his pointy-toed boots, but if someone I regularly wipe the floor with in the sparring ring can come out anyway, then so can I. I'm a lesbian, suckers, deal with it! Toph out!"

The Avatar was the first to let out an undignified whoop at the close of her announcement, followed by enthusiastic cheering from the rest of the Gaang. Slowly but surely, applause from the assembled guests began to fill the room and the music started up again.

Toph didn't even need Suki's quiet narration at her shoulder to know that Sokka was grinning wider than the Si Wong Desert as he bounded over to them. She could have done without the details though as Sokka embraced Zuko and then dipped him for a messy kiss. Okay, it was probably cute, Toph could allow, shyly threading her fingers through Suki's as the rest of their friends surrounded her with claps on the back and warm hugs.

"And this," Sokka declared later, when the party had died down and just the Gaang was left to privately celebrate the events of the day, "is why friends don't let friends fake date each other."

Happily snuggled up against Suki, Toph couldn't agree more.

* * *

**A/N:** Toph is, of course, (almost) quoting the estimable Bilbo Baggins and being a lot meaner about it. Zuko's costume is slutty Dread Pirate Roberts. You're welcome.

Last chapter of _The Duke's a Hazard_ is coming on Friday/Saturday, and then I'm experimenting with a chat fic mainly to test out some CSS for the Zukka week 'roommates' prompt that should show up on Sunday (only on AO3).

Also if you're in the mood for poetic tragedy-with-a-bittersweet-ending, _your name upon my gravestone_ is now complete on AO3.


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